I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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