You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Are we still banned from the library?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
