The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
