there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
