When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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