Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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