Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
