the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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