I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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