My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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