She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
