how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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