I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
