I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
