you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
