Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
