Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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