I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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