I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
