he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
