thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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