ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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