My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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