You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
