I hate all girls vehemently.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Randomize
