What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
