I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
