I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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