I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
