I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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