I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
40s are totally the cure
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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