There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
