We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
