you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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