He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
