She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
