Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
