he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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