bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
