I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
