Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
