I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
