halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
