like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
