Umm I'm too high to move.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
