I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
