We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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