Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
