I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
