no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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