woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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